In the 35 years I've been counselling individuals, couples, families, and business partners, I've learned that one of the main reasons we control each other in relationships is to avoid feeling helpless. Being helpless is one of the hardest things to feel. Most of us don't even want to know what we can and can't do about. Most of the time, when we act controlling toward others, it's because we don't want to admit that we can't change how they feel or act. We don't want to feel like we have no control over whether someone chooses to love and accept us or judge us and turn away from us.
If we really accepted that we have no control over other people, would we still be angry at them? Would we keep blaming, judging, shaming, and criticising? Would we still agree or try to be nice instead of telling the truth? If we really accepted that we can't control whether or not other people love and accept us, we might not try so hard to prove our worth to them.
We often have control over getting approval or avoiding disapproval. Because of this, we may confuse approval with love and think we can control getting love. Love, on the other hand, is always a free gift with no strings attached. When we try to make someone love us, we might get attention and approval, but this is usually short-lived and doesn't make us happy.
Once we fully accept that we have no control over whether others will be open or closed, loving or unloving, accepting or judgmental, it is easy and natural to move past our controlling behaviour and our core shame (the belief that we are bad, inadequate, unlovable, unworthy, or not good enough). Our core shame is one of our oldest and most deeply held false beliefs. It is also one of the oldest ways we protect ourselves from feeling helpless. We tell ourselves that if we are not loved because we are not good enough, we can keep trying to be good enough, and then we will have control over getting the love we want. When we believe in our core shame, we can think that when other people aren't nice to us, it's because we aren't good enough, so it's our fault. It keeps us from realising how helpless we are and gives us a sense of control by telling us that if we just change ourselves, we can change others. Most people find it hard to let go of the idea that they can control how other people feel about them.
In a strange way, accepting that we can't control other people gives us power over ourselves. Once we realise we can't make other people love and care for us, we might finally decide to learn how to take care of our own feelings and needs. This big step moves us from being victims of what other people do to being in charge of our own lives, which is what we can do. We do have control over our own goals, whether they are to learn how to love ourselves and others or to protect ourselves from pain in some way. Once you fully accept that you can't control other people, you'll feel like you have a lot of power. Try it! For one week, try to remind yourself throughout the day that you can't change how other people feel or act. You will be amazed by what happens!
Once you accept that you can't change other people, you have a lot more energy to take care of yourself. Many of us have been told that it's selfish to take care of ourselves. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. Personal responsibility is all about taking care of your own feelings and needs. You will always try to control how others treat you and how they feel about you as long as you blame them for how you feel about yourself. As soon as you decide what your own worth and loveability are and take care of your own feelings and needs, you stop being a victim and start being in charge of your own life.
The challenge is to accept that we can't control other people. This is often hard because when we were babies, we would have died if we couldn't get someone to feed and care for us. Many of us were terrified when we cried and cried and no one came to comfort us. Many of us have been in that dangerous situation where we couldn't get anyone to take care of our needs. We were terrified of feeling helpless, so we did everything we could to get away from that feeling and that situation.
The problem is that we don't realise that we have more control over ourselves now than we did when we were babies. We won't die because no one is paying attention to us. We can feed ourselves and, if we need help, call a friend. Still, many people still act as if it were life or death when they feel helpless over someone else. Many people still do anything they can to avoid feeling helpless, like controlling others or shutting out their feelings with addictive behaviour. How often have you been snacking in front of the fridge, turning on the TV, or reaching for a cigarette without even realising it? This kind of addictive behaviour is often a way to avoid feeling helpless, which may have come up in a conversation with someone, or to avoid taking care of your own feelings and needs.
The first step toward getting rid of controlling and addictive behaviour is to be willing to feel helpless. Once you know how it feels in your body, embrace it like you would a small child who is scared. When you bring love to your feeling of helplessness instead of avoiding it with controlling and addictive behaviour, you will find that it isn't as bad as you thought. If you are willing to let in the love that surrounds you in Spirit and bring that love inside to the part of you that feels helpless, this scared, hurt part of you that just wants to be loved starts to get better. The more you embrace helplessness instead of trying to avoid it, the more you will move away from being a victim and into your own power and ability to love yourself and others.
