Allen came to see me because his wife of 18 years had threatened to leave him if he didn't stop blaming her for everything. He said that he often put the blame for different things on her. He blamed her when he thought she did something wrong or when he thought she was wrong about something. He also blamed her when he felt lonely or had a bad day at work. He thought it was her fault for asking him questions he couldn't answer. He would even sometimes blame her for his bad golf game. He always blamed her when he felt like she was judging him or when she didn't like him. Even though he freely admitted that he blamed her, he couldn't stop and didn't know why.
As Allen and I talked about different things, it became clear that he wasn't just blaming his wife. Allen blamed and judged himself all the time. He would tell himself things like "I'm such a jerk" or "Things will never get better" or "I'm a big disappointment to myself" when he made a mistake. After he hurt himself, he would feel angry and upset, but he never connected his anger to the way he judged himself. Instead, he would take out his anger on his wife or yell at other drivers on the freeway.
Allen realised that he couldn't stop blaming his wife until he stopped blaming himself and judging himself. Because he hurt himself, he was always blaming other people.
The problem was that Allen had learned to think way too much about himself. He didn't stop to think about whether what he was telling himself was true or not. Because of this, he always let the hurt part of himself, his ego self, be in charge. And this part of him was full of all the lies he had been taught in his 46 years.
Allen was shocked when he realised that all the anger he had for other people was actually anger at himself for mistreating himself. He made other people feel the way he felt about himself. He realised that because he was so hard on himself, he was especially sensitive to how other people judged him.
As we talked about why Allen was so hard on himself, he realised that he thought he could make himself do things "right" if he judged himself enough. When he was playing tennis, he found out that this wasn't true.
"Last Wednesday, I played, and I was in a great mood. I just wanted to play for fun, not to do well, and I played my best game ever! I played worse than I have in a long time the very next day. After doing so well on Wednesday, I realised that I wanted to be in charge of doing just as well on Thursday. I lost it as soon as I tried to control it.
I don't want to do this, but I've been doing it for a long time. How do I stop?"
Stopping any kind of addiction is hard. Changing the way we think is particularly hard. But there is a way to change, but it will only work if you really want to. You have to want to change from being mean to yourself to being kind to yourself more than you want to keep trying to control yourself through self-judgments.
Give thought to how you feel. Learn to recognise when you are angry, worried, hurt, scared, guilty, ashamed, sad, etc.
Choose to learn about what you are telling yourself that is causing you pain instead of ignoring it, turning to substance or process addictions, or continuing to hurt yourself.
Ask yourself, "What am I telling myself that is making me feel bad?" Once you know what you're telling yourself, you can ask yourself, "Am I sure that what I'm telling myself is true, or am I just making it up?" Then you should ask yourself, "What am I trying to control by saying this to myself?"
Once you realise that you are telling yourself a lie that is making you feel bad and why you are doing it, ask the highest, wisest part of yourself, an inner teacher, or a spiritual source of guidance, "What is the truth?" If you want to know the truth, it will be easy for you to find out.
Change the way you think and start telling the truth to yourself.
Be aware of how you feel. Lies always make you feel bad, but the truth gives you peace of mind. If you are not at peace, go through this process to find out what lie you are telling yourself. With enough practise, you will be more and more in truth and peace over time.