Carole came to see me for counselling because she was sad. She had chronic fatigue syndrome and had been sick for a long time. She thought this was the cause of her depression. During the time we worked together, she realised that Carole's depression was caused by the way she thought: she was always worried. A lot of what she said was about how scared she was that something bad might happen. "What if I never feel better again?" "What would I do if my husband got sick?" "What if my money runs out?" (Carole and her husband ran a very successful business, and there was no reason to think it wouldn't keep doing well.) "What if my kid starts using drugs?" "What if my children don't get into good colleges?" "What if the house gets broken into?"
Her worry was not only making her sad, but it was also making her sick, or at least making it worse. Her worry made her body so stressed out that her immune system couldn't do its job and keep her healthy. Even though Carole knew that her worry was making her sad and maybe even sick, that didn't stop her from worrying. She couldn't get enough of it. She didn't realise it, but worry made her feel like she was in charge.
I understood this well because I come from a long line of worriers. My grandmother spent her whole life worrying. She lived with us when I was growing up, and I can't remember a time when she didn't look worried. My mother is always worried, too. Of course, I picked up on it and also became a worrier. But unlike my mom and grandma, who worried every day until they died, I decided I didn't want to live like that. My life changed when my husband and I went to the beach and I started to worry that the house would catch on fire and my kids would die. The worry made me so upset that we had to turn around and go back home. I knew then that I had to do something about it.
As I started to examine the cause of worry, I realised that worriers believe that worry will stop bad things from happening. My mother worried her whole life and none of the bad things she worried about ever happened. She came to the conclusion that her worrying didn't cause anything bad to happen. She really believed that she could control things with her worry. My father, on the other hand, never worried about anything, and nothing bad ever happened to him either. My mother thought that because she worried about my father, nothing bad would happen to him. She really thought that if she stopped worrying, everything would fall apart. She thought this until the day she died of heart problems that may have been caused by her constant worry. Even though she doesn't worry about him, my 92-year-old father is still alive.
It's hard to stop worrying when you've been doing it for most of your life. Before I could stop worrying, I had to realise that the idea that worrying can change what happens is a complete lie. I needed to see that worrying is not only a waste of time, but it can also be very bad for your health and happiness. Once I realised this, I was able to notice how my stomach tightened whenever I was worried and stop thinking the thought that was making me feel stressed.
Carole is learning this right now. She realises that her worrying makes her feel sad and anxious. She sees that she isn't nearly as tired when she doesn't worry as when she lets her worry addiction take over. She realises that she feels much better when she stays in the present rather than thinking about the future. Carole needs to realise that worrying doesn't give her control in order to stop worrying.
No one who worries finds it easy to let go of the idea that they are in charge when they worry. There is, however, an interesting paradox about worry. When I'm in the present, I'm much more likely to make decisions that support my highest good than when I'm stuck thinking about the future. Worrying doesn't give us more control; it keeps us from being in the moment enough to make loving decisions for ourselves and others. Worrying doesn't make us more in control; it makes us less in control.
