Many people have a lot of trouble with clutter. At a talk I gave, I asked people to raise their hands if they had trouble with clutter and being disorganised. At least half of the people surprised me by raising their hands.
One of my clients told me she was trying to help her sick sister get back on her feet after her sister lost her job and couldn't work because of her illness. Her sister's house had always been a mess, and now there was no place to walk or sit because it was so full of stuff. Rebecca, one of my clients, told her sister that she would buy her a car if she cleaned up her house. Rebecca even offered to clean up the house with her sister. Rebecca was surprised when her sister turned down the offer, even though she needed the car very badly. His sister didn't want to get rid of the mess.
Why? Why did she care so much about the "stuff"?
Fear of being empty, helpless, lonely, or alone is at the root of all addictions. Addictions are a way to avoid feeling these hard and painful feelings, and a clutter addiction is no different. It's all about being in charge of how safe you feel. Like all addictions, clutter gives you a momentary sense of comfort. But, just like with any other addiction, the person who hoards needs more and more stuff to keep up the appearance of safety and comfort.
When my mother died and my son went through her house to clean it out, he found a lot of junk. Even though my mother's house always looked neat and clean, it was full of junk in the cabinets and drawers. Six broken hair dryers were in one cabinet, my son told me. Why would my mom keep six hair dryers that don't work?
My mom grew up during the Great Depression, and she always worried that she wouldn't have enough. She never felt like she had enough stuff, no matter how much she bought. Even though they didn't work, the six hair dryers made her feel safe from her fear.
Carrie has a hard time getting rid of things, especially magazines that she thinks have "important" information in them. She gets a lot of magazines, but since she has three young kids, she doesn't always have time to read them. So, the magazines keep getting stacked up. Carrie hopes to have time to read them someday, but it never seems to happen. When asked why she won't throw them away, she says, "They might have something important in them, and I don't want to miss it." Carrie worries that she will miss something important that could give her the peace she is looking for. Even though she never gets to read them, all the important information in the magazines makes her feel safe and in charge.
When we don't feel safe on the inside, we try to feel safe on the outside, and one way to do that is to have a lot of clutter. Clutterers don't trust that they will have what they need, whether it's things like hair dryers or information in magazines and newspapers. Also, people who have a lot of stuff may be stubborn and see their mess as a way to avoid being controlled by someone who wants them to be neat.
HEALING THE ADDICTION TO CLUTTER
Clutter is made and kept by a part of yourself that is hurt and scared, called the "wounded self." This is the part that thinks it has control over other people, events, and outcomes. As long as this hurt self is in charge of making decisions, the clutterer will continue to collect things as a way to feel safe and give the illusion of control, or they will stay messy as a way to avoid being controlled.
Healing happens when a person does the inner work they need to do to become a strong, loving adult. A loving adult is the part of us that opens up to a spiritual source of wisdom, strength, and love and connects with it. A loving adult is able to do things for us that show love. The loving adult acts based on the truth, not on the false beliefs of the hurt self, and knows that the comfort and safety that clutter seems to provide are illusions, and that the clutterer will still feel afraid no matter how much clutter they have. The loving adult knows that resistance is not a way to be safe and honest. A sense of inner safety can only be made by a loving adult who is open to guidance from a spiritual source and able to take loving action on their own behalf.
By doing the six steps of Inner Bonding that we teach, this strong, loving adult grows up.
