The other day, I was listening to MSNBC on the radio when a show called "The Good Life" came on. They then talked about a $14,000 dessert in Sri Lanka that included an aquamarine, among other things. No kidding. This is what MSNBC says the good life is like. I found it interesting that in our culture, the good life is more often defined by how much stuff you have than by any other quality.
You can tell by listening to the vast majority of modern music on the radio these days. I live with two teenagers, so I know what they want: Cristal champagne, expensive cars, first-class seats on jet planes, bling, and so on. Our kids are taught that the good life is about having things and not about being a good person. From where do these ideas come? I think it has something to do with what they see as important in our society.
So, if the good life is about having things, why do so many people who have a lot of things still feel like their lives don't have much meaning and satisfaction? I'm not saying that having money is bad. In fact, I think it's a good thing. We all need to be sure of our money. We need to know that we can take care of our families and not have to worry about barely making ends meet. Everyone wants to have a good life. But where is the point where you can't go back?
"Not everything that is countable is important, and not everything that is important is countable."
Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955), (attributed)
In its 2004 State of the World report, the World Wide Institute says:
Societies that cared more about people's happiness spent more time with family, friends, and neighbours, spent more time in nature, and paid more attention to finding happiness and expressing creativity than to getting more things. They stress living in a way that doesn't hurt yourself, other people, or the natural world. In short, they give people a deeper sense of happiness with their lives than many people today say they feel.
What makes a life worth living? In recent years, psychologists who have studied how happy people are with their lives have found that the old saying is mostly true, at least for wealthy people. When the growth in income in industrial countries is plotted against the level of happiness, it may be the best way to see how money and happiness don't go together in wealthy countries. In the United States, for example, the average person's income more than doubled between 1957 and 2002, but during that time, the number of people who said they were "very happy" stayed the same.
So, if people's incomes have gone up but they are still not happier, it's clear that they are not living the good life. To help my clients understand what the good life is, I have them imagine themselves at some point in the far future when they have finally become who they want to be and have everything they want. They are deeply satisfied and happy. In other words, they have reached what people call the "Good Life."
Almost always, clients do not dream of being very rich. They don't talk at all about money or possessions when they talk about wealth. They don't talk about living in a house with all the known comforts and conveniences. They do talk about a beautiful place to live, like by the ocean or on a lake in the mountains. People always talk about a place that makes them feel calm and peaceful, a place where they belong.
They never, ever talk about what they have. Don't talk about cars, TVs, or nice clothes. No one ever talks about it. They might say that they are free to travel, but they don't say anything about being in first class.
They say that they don't have to fight depression, dissatisfaction, or dissonance in their lives anymore. They talk about being okay with the way things are. There is love in their lives, but they don't always talk about who it is. Just love. People talk about the deep wisdom that has built up over time. People also talk about being surrounded by people they love.
If they have kids, they will often say that they are glad they were able to help them, but more often, they will talk about how happy they are that their kids have grown up to be responsible, loving, and happy people. They talk with pride about children who make the world a better place. I hear that the house has pets and maybe even grandchildren. These are people who have found out what really matters to them and what they value most.
"Happiness is a state of mind that comes from doing things that are important to you." Ayn Rand (1905 - 1982)
Values. What are the things you think are important? What matters to you? What would you put on a list of the five most important things to you? Would it be money, things, power, prestige, or authority? Would it be love, family, honesty, freedom, and caring for other people? Or a mix of both?
"Don't try to be a man of success; try to be a man of value instead."
Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)
We've all heard the saying about what will or won't be written on our tombstones. Will it say that she had a high-powered job, flew first class, drove a Mercedes, and only wore couture? Most of the time, a tombstone will say that she was a loving mother and wife, a kind person, and a great person in the community. Think about what you'd like people to remember about you. What do you want people to say about you at your memorial or funeral? Will it be based on how much money you made or spent? Doubtful.
I remember the funeral of a very close friend who died suddenly when he was still in his fifties. The Rabbi said that in the end, all we have is our reputation. Who we were, how we lived, how we loved, how kind and caring we were, how we helped the world we lived in, and what we gave to our children and their children as a legacy.
My idea of the good life, at least for me, is that it includes the following: I want to be a person who is grateful for everything she has. I want to be able to take care of myself and my kids without worrying that I won't be able to, and yes, I do want to live well. For me, living well means having a beautiful home in nature, being free to travel, being able to help my kids get off to a good start in their adult lives, and having enough money to take care of myself and also give back to the community. I want my life to have a lot of meaning and to have a strong connection to the world around me.
How do you want to live? Take some time right now to think about the kind of life you want to live, the kind of life you would call the Good Life. Make sure it fits with your values and interests. To do this, you need to connect with your values and interests. What do they mean? Think carefully about what makes you truly happy and fulfilled. Think back to the times in your life when you were happiest. What made you feel that way? Think about how you want people to remember you and how you want your kids to see you. What qualities do you like about other people, and how can you get some of those qualities for yourself? What are some of the best things that have happened to you, and what was it about those things that made them so special?
These are the kinds of questions that demand to be answered. These are the questions that will get us to the Good Life in the end. Not the dessert that costs $14,000, but a life well lived. With purpose, love, comfort, joy, and a sense of accomplishment.
