We all know that it's best for a person to feel sad about the end of a relationship. Grief that is healthy lets go of feelings instead of letting them get stuck in the body. Grief that is healthy lets the person heal from the loss and move on with life.
Still, grief doesn't always heal. Many of us have known people who couldn't get over their grief, who seemed stuck in the past and couldn't move on with their lives.
What's the difference between people who feel their grief and move on and those who stay stuck in it? What makes them different is what they think they have lost. When people think they've lost their main source of love, their sadness can feel like it will never end.
Samantha and Gary had been together for three years when Samantha decided to break up with Gary. Gary was in a lot of pain. Gary was a taker in this relationship, just like he had been in his past relationships. He was always trying to get love, but he couldn't give or share love. Samantha cared for him a lot, but she often felt very alone when he was around. Gary was very sad when she left because she was the only person who loved him. He wasn't sad about Samantha's death because she was someone he loved. He was sad that she no longer loved him. He was sad like a lost, hurt child instead of a caring adult.
Because of this, Gary got stuck in his grief. He was stuck in thinking "poor me" and feeling like a victim. Gary had never done the inner work that would have helped him become an adult who could love himself and share that love with others. He felt lost, hurt, and alone. Even though he cried a lot, nothing got better. Because he was giving up on himself, he just kept feeling alone and hopeless. He was sometimes mad at Samantha for leaving him, and sometimes mad at himself for not being a better partner. He felt bad about many things, and he kept saying to himself, "If only I had..." "If I had paid more attention to her, she might not have left." If I had only told her how beautiful she is, she might not have left."
On the other hand, Frank was very sad about the death of Beth, his beloved wife. He had truly loved Beth, and he missed her very much. But Frank's sadness was very different from Gary's. Frank did not hear Beth laugh. He missed her happiness, kindness, and sense of wonder. He missed her as a person, and he missed being able to show her how much he loved her. Frank had no regrets because he had not been a taker. He had loved Beth completely and was very thankful for the time he had with her. But Frank wasn't hurt at all. His sadness came in waves, and each time it did, he cried. Then it went away, and he was back to normal.
Frank was fine because he didn't get his sense of self from Beth. Frank's inner adult was a strong, loving person who was in touch with a spiritual source of love and wisdom. Not Beth, but this was his source. Frank was a person who owned all of his own pain and happiness. He had never put Beth in charge of how he felt or how well he was.
Because he had never given up on himself, he could miss Beth and feel sad about her without feeling alone, lost, abandoned, or like a victim.
Gary, on the other hand, was not okay, no matter how much sadness he let out, because Samantha had been his Source of love, his Higher Power. He had given her the job of figuring out who he was, so when she left, he only felt alone. Gary had given Samantha what he called his "Inner Child," or his "feeling self." He blamed Samantha for how he felt, so when she left, he felt like a child who had been left behind. His love source was no longer there.
Frank knew how to love other people because he knew how to love himself. Within a couple of years, Frank was in love with someone else.
Gary got back together with someone else six months after he lost Samantha. Six months after that, he was back on his own. Gary won't stop feeling like a victim of the women in his life until he learns to take responsibility for his own feelings and needs. Until then, he's likely to keep losing relationships and feeling like a victim.
