Have you ever lost a close friend or family member? Elizabeth Kublar-book Ross's On Death and Dying is the best way to understand the grief process. She talks about how people go through five stages: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. People who are dying and the people who care about them go through these stages, but they don't always happen at the same time, and you can't plan for them.
You might think you're in the anger phase, then move on to depression, and then back to denial. There is no rhyme or reason; each person just does what feels right at the time. No one can tell how long a phase will go on for. If you are grieving and someone tells you that you shouldn't be feeling the way you are, thank them for caring but know that you are right where you need to be.
But sometimes when you're sad, you'll notice that something doesn't feel right. You might think, "I should be over this by now" or "I don't like feeling this way." When you realise it's time to move on, trust that feeling.
I want to talk about grief from the point of view of Choice Theory. It might take a few posts to figure out what's going on. All behaviour is done for a reason, according to Choice Theory. Since grief is just a behaviour, I need to start with this idea. Choice theory says that everything we do at any given time is our best attempt to get something we want—some picture we have in our Quality World that will meet one or more of our needs in some way. Grief is no different.
Once you realise that all behaviour has a reason and that someone's grief is their best chance to get what they want, it's easier to know what to do. What could we be trying to get out of being sad? Most people would say there is no other option. When someone we love dies, we have to grieve. I say that it's normal to miss the person's presence in our lives, but it's not necessary to grieve in the way most people think of it.
I think the person who died is the first thing we are trying to get through our grief. When we grieve, we are doing our best to keep that person alive, at least in our minds. We know that they are no longer in the world as we know it. But if we keep thinking about them, longing for them, and lamenting their absence, we keep the thought of that person alive in our minds, and it feels better than a total void or absence of the other person.
Grief might also help others understand how much we cared about and loved the person who died. I'm not saying that people who are sad are trying to take advantage of others. What I mean is that grief has a side benefit in that it shows how much we cared about someone. It also says, "Look at what a good boy I was." Fill in the blanks with husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, mother, father, sister, brother, etc.
Grief also helps us get the help we need from other people when we've lost someone close to us. People do things for us that we would usually be expected to do ourselves. Again, please don't think I'm saying that a person who is grieving wakes up and "decides" to be sad so that someone will bring them a meal. This isn't planned, but I'm just pointing out the possible benefits of sadness.
Once we are completely aware of what our grief does and doesn't do for us, the hard part comes. We need to decide how we want to live.
Every situation has at least three choices, which can be summed up as "leave it as is, change it, or accept it." When someone dies, you may wonder how they will "leave it." Well, major denial of the loss, suicide, drug and/or alcohol abuse, or getting very sick mentally are all possible ways.
When we get caught up in trying to change things, we might keep being sad as a way to get the person back. This could look like going to the cemetery all the time, talking to the person who has died often, refusing to believe he or she is really gone, and always talking about the person who has died. There are many ways we can try to change the fact that we lost.
If and when we learn to accept it, we can feel some peace and go back to living. A healthy step in this process is to figure out how to keep that person in our lives in some way. Now, this is a very personal choice, and you should be very careful not to judge the choices of the bereaved.
Meet the Parents was seen by most people. In it, the character played by Robert DiNero kept his mother's ashes in an urn on his mantle. This is what a lot of people do with the ashes of their dead loved ones. Some people put ashes in a necklace and wear it around their neck. Some will set up memorials or scholarships. When my husband died, his family and I set up a wrestling scholarship fund for a local high school wrestler. When my friend's 8-year-old son died, she had the frog exhibit at the Houston Zoo named after him.
There are many creative ways to stay in touch with the person. There is no bad way to do it. Those around the person who died should help them with whatever makes them feel better. Remember that just because you don't like or agree with what someone chooses doesn't mean it's wrong for them.
When a grieving person accepts what happened, they can start to get back into their life and the lives of the people around them, but it won't happen overnight. People who are coming back from grief need our patience and love.
The person who doesn't seem to be sad at all is another choice. There may be more than one reason for this. The person might be very private and not want to grieve in front of other people. The person could also be trying to be strong for everyone else. I knew I wanted my kids to know that I would be okay. I didn't want them to think that it was their job to look after me. Some people thought that I wasn't sad enough.
If you or someone you know is grieving, please don't judge yourself or them. Understand that every action has a reason and that the person is getting something out of it. When they realise they have a choice, they can decide consciously which of the three options they want to go with. Once they know where they want to go, they have to make a plan for how to get there.
