A man in his late 40s named Connor has done everything he thought he needed to do to feel happy and safe. He has a successful business, a great wife, two great kids, and a beautiful home. But he doesn't look happy when you look at him. He doesn't look like he has much life to him.
Brianna is his wife. She also has a husband, children, financial security, a successful job, a beautiful home, and everything else she's ever wanted. When you look at her, you see a person who is full of life and energy, who is friendly and happy.
How do they differ? Why is the energy of these two people so different, even though they look the same? The answer is that Brianna has a strong relationship with God, while Connor has no spiritual connection at all.
The longer I've been a counsellor, the easier it has become to tell the difference between people who know and experience God and those who don't. It's what makes Connor and Brianna different. It's the difference between feeling full inside and feeling empty inside.
Connor doesn't want to stay away from God. He says he wants to do it. He sees how he is different from Brianna and says that he wants what she has. He thinks his parents' lives are empty, and he says he doesn't want to end up like them, with nothing to live for.
But Connor doesn't experience God, and the reason is simple: he cares more about controlling money, employees, and what people think of him, his wife, and his kids than he does about being a loving person. He says he wants to be loving, and when he is loving, he feels great. However, this feeling never lasts because he wants to control more than he wants to be loving. He is afraid that if he is kind to himself and others, his business will suffer, he will have less money, and he will lose friends. His ego-wounded self tells him that if he is open and loving, people will take advantage of him, which is the last thing he wants. So his main goal is not to be loving, but to protect himself from what he fears.
God is love, love's spirit, and love's power. When we open our hearts, love is always there for us. When we want to learn what is loving to ourselves and others, not what will keep us safe from what we're afraid of, our hearts automatically open. Knowing God means knowing Love. To know God, you have to know love.
Connor feels scared when Brianna looks at him with love, so he turns away. If he lets her love him, he's afraid he'll be open to being hurt. If he is open, she might not like what she sees and turn him down. He might want to give her more than she wants. Maybe she wants to drain him of his life, like his mother did. He cares more about making sure he is safe from his fears than about being loving and sharing love with Brianna. Brianna loves Connor, but they don't always get along because he's afraid to show her love. Most of the time, Connor says he doesn't feel good because he feels empty. He fills the void in his life with food and TV, which don't make him happy.
Connor says that he can't know God because he doesn't know how. I tell him it doesn't matter how, what matters is why. When his deepest desire is to love instead of to be in charge, it will be easy and natural for him to know God. It all comes down to intent. We have a choice about what we want to do. How we live, who we choose to be, and how we act are all based on what we want. Our desire to love and learn about love makes room in our hearts for God.
If you feel empty, you might care more about being in charge than about being loved. If you know people who seem empty, it's possible that they care more about being in charge than about being loved.
Opening ourselves up to love doesn't mean we're open to being hurt, manipulated, or used. In fact, the opposite can happen: when we experience God, we get the wisdom and strength to know what is good or bad for us, what is right or wrong for us. When we let God in, we find out what is best for us. It's a lot safer than trusting our hurt ego self. If you want to learn and open up to the love that is God, you can feel the deep sense of fullness and safety that your heart and soul have always wanted.
