One night, Stacy's boyfriend of twelve years didn't come home, and she knew he was with an ex-girlfriend. He begged Stacy to give him another chance, but her pride and anger stopped her. Stacy said that even though she still loved him, she would feel like a fool if she forgave him. Stacy didn't break up with him, but she tells him every day what he did to hurt her.
Should Stacy forgive her otherwise nice husband for what he did? Stacy is the only one who can decide what to do.
The truth is that most marriages can't last when one partner has an affair. However, some do, and they can even get stronger over time.
Stacy and other people who have trouble forgiving their spouses for any kind of marital wrongdoing (not just affairs) may find it helpful to think about the following myths about forgiveness.
MISCONCEPTION #1
When you forgive someone, you forget about what they did wrong.
The opposite couldn't be more true. Even if you forgive, you may never forget what happened to you, and you probably shouldn't.
But you can tell you've really let go of an offence when you can think about it without feeling the pain that comes with it.
MISCONCEPTION #2
When you forgive someone, you say that what they did was okay.
the opposite is true. Even though we can forgive, we can still think that what happened to us was wrong, unfair, or unacceptable.
Our partners can do a lot of things to us that we don't deserve or that break the contract, covenant, or agreement we have with them.
Still, we can forgive them if we realise that they might have been wrong or had flaws that make them worth a second chance.
MISCONCEPTION #3
You have to tell your partner that you forgive them in order to forgive them.
In fact, saying "I forgive you" to someone often backfires, especially if they see themselves as a victim instead of as someone who deserves forgiveness.
The truth is that you forgive someone when you feel it in your heart, not when you tell them you forgive them.
There are, however, exceptions to this rule and situations in which you might want to talk about how much you forgive them, but only if you think it won't hurt them more.
For example, Ruth's husband asked her for forgiveness after he went on a gambling binge that put the family's finances in danger. Ruth told him she had forgiven him after he had been in rehab for a year and had a "clean" record.
MISCONCEPTION #4
If you forgive someone, it means you trust them right away again.
Trust and being able to forgive are two different things. Even if someone is sorry, it may take a long time to trust them again.
It's not a sign of good mental health or high self-esteem to trust your partner right away again after being hurt by them.
Doing this could also send a message to your partner that they can keep breaking your trust without worrying too much about getting hurt.
After a mistake, trust in a marriage must be earned back through good behaviour, not just nice words or empty promises.
MISCONCEPTION #5
After you've forgiven your partner, you'll automatically feel good about them again.
Love is not the opposite of anger. Not being angry doesn't always lead to warm, positive feelings; sometimes it just makes you feel neutral.
In many cases, the love feelings can't be brought back, even after being forgiven. This happens a lot when people learn to move on.
anger over the problems that led to the divorce, but they never loved each other again.
MISCONCEPTION #6
All at once, people can forgive.
No, not always. You could start by forgiving your partner 10 percent—just enough to open the door—and then see how they act.
After some time, you might open the door a little wider and let go of a little more anger until you can truly forgive someone 100 percent.
