Behavior, whether it's from a child or an adult worker, is always driven by a goal or purpose. The behaviour starts with a thought, and then triggers of the emotions and senses keep it going. When we act in a "good" way, we get rewards and praise. On the other hand, when we act in a "bad" way, we hurt relationships, sometimes to the point of death.
If you look closely, the bad behaviour of some employees is a lot like what a child does when he wants his mother's attention but doesn't get it. Remember the "Terrible Twos" tantrum a young child had in the grocery store because his mother wouldn't buy him the candy or toy he wanted? Well, I think the employee's goal in doing something wrong on purpose is to get attention in some way.
"Every action, good or bad, is done for a reason."
Let's start by looking at the main goal that leads to bad behaviour, which is wanting to be the centre of attention. Behavior studies show that everyone, no matter their age, race, language, culture, etc., wants to be noticed. People usually try to get attention in good and useful ways, but if they can't, they'll try to get it in bad and useless ways.
Changing something bad into something good To help negative attention-seekers, we must first change how we react to them by showing them that they can be accepted as a useful and contributing member of the family or organisation. We do this well by showing them that they are important because of what they do that is good and helpful, not because of what they do that is just a waste of time. To pay attention to what they do right, we have to either ignore what they do wrong or pay attention to it in a way they don't expect. Attention should never be given on demand, even for good things, because that makes them want attention even more than they should.
- Don't make them feel like they don't belong unless they are the centre of attention. Instead, help them feel good about themselves, their skills, and what they bring to the group.
Who's Your Daddy?
The next type of bad behaviour comes from people who want to be in charge and think they are important only when they are bossing (or bullying) other people around. Even if there are rules, regulations, or policies, they usually do what they want, when they want, and how they want. Even when their parents or bosses manage to get them to behave, it's only for a short time. Even if you win the argument, you may no longer be friends with the other person. On the other hand, a child or worker who is defying the rules or policies may seem to be following them, but they are doing so in their own way, on their own time, and at their own speed. "Defiant compliance" is the name for this kind of fake obedience. If this power struggle goes on and the person who wants power starts to feel like they can't beat their parents or boss, they may trade in their desire for power for a more subtle way to get back at them.
- When dealing with people who want power, don't get angry or "blow your top," and get out of the power struggle by refusing to have a conversation where no one wins. After setting up a time to talk when they are calmer, turn your back on them and walk away. (After all, it takes two to dance the tango, right?)
When Getting Mad Means Getting Even or Stopping the Madness
The revenge-seekers have a bit of a paranoid way of thinking, because they tell themselves that the world is out to get them, think that they don't matter unless they're hurting others, and feel like they belong when they're mean to others. Unfortunately, they set off a chain of bad things that keep getting worse. When their parents or bosses found out about their acts of revenge, it hurt them a lot, which made them want to get back at them. The people who want revenge then respond to the counterattacks by trying to get more revenge, either by acting worse or by choosing a different weapon from their stock.
- If you want to help people who want to get even, train yourself to avoid getting even at all costs. As hard as it may seem, you can train yourself to get along better with a revenge-seeker by staying calm and being friendly. Be ready for the unexpected. If the war of revenge keeps going on despite your best efforts to stop it, the person who wants revenge may feel completely defeated and give up on trying to join and help. They might even use manipulation as their next weapon to turn their feelings inward.
To Give Up or to Look? That's the issue.
Because manipulators often feel like they don't know how to act properly in a relationship, they may pretend to be weak or disabled. Instead of being honest about what they want, they will find complicated ways to get other people to do something for them. They become con artists. To them, lying, cheating, overcommitting, being too nice, and being "gently" aggressive are the "easy and sure way" to get what they want.
- To help the manipulator stop this bad behaviour, you should train yourself to stop criticising them and instead focus on their assets, strengths, and skills. Find ways to help them "maximise their potential," as I like to say.
How to Turn Bad Behavior into Super Performance
Remember that all bad behaviour, even good attempts to get attention, comes from being down on yourself. People who are down don't have the courage to act in a way that is active, helpful, and positive. Their bad behaviour doesn't show up until the manipulator sees or thinks he or she is losing status. No matter what the goal or reason for the manipulation is, it is done because the person thinks that this is the only way they can fit in with the family or organisation.
Remember that if you change the way you talk to your child or your employees, they will change how they act and what they want from you. Even though you don't make them act badly, if you react in the way they expect, you can reinforce and encourage it. So, if you want them to change, you should focus your efforts on changing how you act.
