"Organisms don't live in their environments, they make them," says the saying.
— From Margaret Wheatley's book A Simpler Way
As I walk down Lincoln Avenue in Portsmouth, I am struck by the beauty of the day—the forsythia, tulips, and daffodils, the bright sun, and the warm breeze—and by the freedom and privilege I have to walk freely through a friendly neighbourhood in a healthy body. I think about how much I take for granted and how easy it is to feel centred and happy when life is easy, flowing, and free of problems.
The day before it wasn't like that. It rained, was windy, and was cold. I hadn't slept, so I was angry and short-tempered when I woke up. I Will winter never end?!) I had been putting off a project, but I couldn't put it off any longer. I knew I had to finish it, even though I didn't feel like it. After hard aikido practise the night before, my body hurt, and I was tired and had no energy. I opened a window and a plant pot fell all over the floor of my office. And the last piece of my favourite bread for toasting had mysteriously vanished from where I kept it. What will happen tomorrow? My friend Carol says that anything can happen at any time.
So how do I put my words into action, change my attitude, adjust my goals, and start over even when I don't want to? I kept thinking: I You can do this, it's great, and it's exactly what you're looking for: chances to practise centering, breathing, and laughing. Sure, it's easy to stay calm when everything is going well. When they aren't practising, this is the best day to do so.
It makes me feel bad to say it was still hard. The only good thing I could say about it was that I saw it. I could tell I was feeling sorry for myself, which was a good sign. Joy Jacobs, a friend and coworker, calls this ability to look at ourselves from the outside and notice how we are reacting "meta-communication." My meta-communicator is the role that says, Hey, Judy, you seem to be really upset about that plant falling over. Whoah! Are you sure about throwing it out the window? Not likely, you're right.
The meta-communicator is the buffer between what I feel and what I say. It keeps me from letting my feelings lead me down a path I'll probably regret. The ability to meta-communicate is a sign of emotional intelligence. It is similar to being self-aware and is a key part of being able to control yourself. If I can't communicate about how I'm communicating, I get lost in the emotion and start to feel it myself. There is no space between me and my mental state. My attitude, emotion, or mood takes over my conscious thoughts and leads me wherever it wants. I won't be able to talk about the feeling again (in this way) until it's over and I can see it again.
The meta-communicator is woken up by centering. Taking a moment to breathe and connect to my power source gives me the time and space to decide if I want to be pulled away or not.
Pity parties are fun sometimes. I like getting together with close friends in person or over the phone. We put on our most patient faces and complain about this or that, how much work there is to do and how little time there is. We bring our meta-communicators with us, and while we're complaining, we laugh at ourselves. It's a lot more fun to whine when you know what's going on.
His Holiness "If you don't like what's happening in your life, change your mind," said the Dalai Lama. How do you feel about what's going on in your life right now? I know it might be a lot harder than having snow in May. Still, try changing your attitude toward life events slowly and see what happens.
Everything changes when I am willing and able to do this, to change my mind. It starts with noticing how I'm reacting.
I'm upset.
Okay - Upset Energy. How can I use it so that it fits with my goals and values?
I'm in charge of it, not the other way around.
I start to walk a path of power and presence instead of a path of reactivity and regret.
As soon as I put a little space between my reaction and my response, I get my power back. I get back in touch with what's important. How come I'm here? What do I want to bring to this job, this relationship, or this family? What do I want to get out of this talk? What effect will I have on this meeting?
There will be more sunny days and happy times in the future. But no matter what the weather is like outside or inside, I am protected by a spring of insight inside of me that is always awake, aware, and ready to be turned on at any time. And I remember all the things I have to be thankful for, including the chance to feel bad.
How are you making your life your own right now? Is life a fight or does it just go? There's a chance that the answers really depend on you.
