Rudy and Marjorie were about to split up. They had constant verbal fights that led to what therapists call "emotional disengagement," which means that they just stopped talking to each other for days on end.
Emotionally, they were both upset and lonely for each other, but they couldn't reach out and tell each other how they felt. They were in a "cold war," waiting for the other to make the first move to break the icy atmosphere.
This couple has a common problem in marriage: they don't know how to fix the emotional damage they've done to each other. According to research on marriage, almost every couple fights. What often separates "masters" of marriage from "disasters" of marriage is the ability to fix the damage after the fight.
If the couple learns how to fix things, they can fix any mistakes they may have made. These repair skills help "fix" the damage that was done when they tried to talk to each other in a way that hurt one or both of them emotionally.
It is common for partners to make mistakes in their relationships. After all, anyone can have a bad day, be too stressed out, or just act without thinking. Instead of emotionally avoiding each other or staying mad, try to "fix it" if you are the one who did something wrong.
And if you're the one who got hurt, you have to find a way to accept your partner's attempt to fix things, which means you have to see it as an attempt to make things better.
REPAIR TOOL Tool #1-apologize
A simple, sincere, and heartfelt apology can sometimes do wonders for a relationship, especially if your partner sees you as someone who never admits they are wrong or at fault.
Say things like, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, what I did was stupid, I don't know what was wrong with me."
REPAIR Tool #2: Tell how you feel.
Be honest and talk about the fears, embarrassment, or insecurity that are making you angry. Your partner may react very differently to you if they see more than just anger from you. Sharing what's on your mind and in your heart can do a lot to help people understand each other and grow closer.
Say things like, "When I was so angry, I was really worried about our daughter. I didn't mean to hurt you; I just lost my temper."
#3: Take into account your partner's point of view.
This doesn't mean you have to agree with it, but just letting your partner know that you heard them can help reduce tension and conflict. It also shows empathy, which is the ability to look at things from their point of view instead of just your own.
Say things like, "I see what you mean; I've never seen it that way before."
Accept some of the blame for the conflict (REPAIR TOOL #4).
Few fights are entirely the fault of one person or the other. Instead, most fights are like a dance, where each person does something to add to the problem. Being defensive instead of being open, which is what good communication needs, is shown by not being able to take any responsibility.
Say things like, "I shouldn't have done what I did. I guess we both messed up. I can see why you acted that way toward me."
Find something you both agree on.
Focus on the problem at hand and what you both have in common instead of what you are different from each other. For example, you might both agree that the goal of raising healthy children is the same, even though you have different ideas about how to do that.
Say things like, "It seems like we both want the same thing here, but we don't agree on how to get there."
Fixing Tool #6: Make a promise to change.
"I'm sorry" isn't enough if you keep doing the same thing that makes people upset. Actions should back up words. Show proof that you will try to make changes.
Say things like, "I promise to get up half an hour earlier from now on. I'll call if I'm going to be late. I'll only have two drinks at the party and then stop."
