From what I've seen, a couple trying to stop a divorce faces a lot of problems, and some of these problems are often very surprising. One person who visited my site sent me an email saying that I wouldn't believe how easy it was to work on some parts of the prevent divorce issue and that the hardest thing for him and his wife was breaking old habits and changing the way they behaved, which is the automatic pilot that drives relationships into walls.
This article is about trying to find the point at which you lose control of your goal (stopping or preventing your divorce) and let your relationship get into a tough spot on its own. I hope that by explaining a few things, you'll be better prepared the next time you get into an argument or even just a discussion.
First, the blame game is almost too easy. How simple is that? Now, really think about it. Almost everyone does it, and you've done it many times yourself. You play this stupid little game, get caught up in the idea, and lose control. This not only makes the situation worse, but it also puts you in a blame-and-anger frame of mind, which doesn't help you or anyone else get anywhere. Look at the situation, think about what you did or what you usually do, and think about what your partner does. Try to be as objective as possible. Make a list of the things you and your partner do. Don't forget to include the things you do wrong, since everyone does something wrong, and be honest with yourself and your partner about it.
Second, the phrase "you're overreacting." How did that help? , men tend to say this to women a lot, but I've also heard a few women say it. It's a mean thing to say because not only do you judge your partner, but you also criticise how they respond, as if you had any right to. Think about it for a second, and I'm sure you'll realise that this is a terrible thing to say and that you should never even think about saying it. Take things as they are, and if your partner is angry, figure out why he or she is angry and deal with it. Don't ignore it and give your partner the same level of reaction you think is over the top.
Whether it's about kids or family, this is a very sensitive subject. People often use children as weapons in arguments and fights. This is a classic example of what happens when you lose control and say things you'll regret for a long time. If you can see this stop sign when you are angry and upset, in the middle of a fight, try your best not to use your kids or other family members as weapons.
One last piece of general advice I can give is that when you talk to your partner about something or even when you argue or fight, try to make the situation fair. Try to balance the power and objectivity of the situation. This means that no one is clearly in charge of the conversation. Instead, it is a free debate between two people with equal power, not a lecture or verbal beating of one person by the other.
In my next article, I'll talk more about these problems. In the meantime, I hope you can save your relationship and avoid divorce.
