Caring for someone else often makes you feel guilty. Guilt can make you do your best or stop you from doing anything.
For people who take care of other people, painful feelings like guilt, sadness, and anger are just like any other pain. It's the way your body tells you to pay attention. Just like the pain of a burned finger makes you take your hand off the stove, guilt makes you act in ways that are best for your health.
You have an idea of the "Ideal You" based on your values and how you treat yourself and other people. When your day-to-day choices are different from what the "Ideal You" would have done, you may feel guilty. The "Ideal You" could be a parent who goes to every soccer game their kids have. You feel like you're falling short if you miss a game to take your dad to the doctor.
This "Ideal You" might not meet all of your needs. You might think that your own needs aren't as important as those of a sick loved one. Then you feel bad when you even think about your needs, let alone act on them. A mother may wonder, "How can I take my kids for a walk when my mother is in pain at home?" (A hint for this mother: if she takes care of herself, she can give more to her mother with an open heart.)
You might feel different from the "Ideal You." Feeling angry about how unfair it is that a loved one is sick? You might even be mad that someone you care about is sick. When you realise how you feel, you might feel a healthy amount of guilt. You might even feel bad about feeling bad.
"Why did someone I care about get sick?" you might wonder. Your loved one might be healthy if the "Ideal You" did things more often. What if you served meals that were better for you? What if you didn't believe your husband when he said the pain in his chest was just "a little heartburn" and instead called 911?
If you tend to feel guilty, learn how to deal with it so that it helps you instead of holding you back. Here are 5 ways to deal with your guilt as a caregiver:
Recognize the feeling of guilt: Guilt that you don't acknowledge will eat away at your soul. Say it, and take a look at the monster under the bed.
b>List some other feelings: Often, there are other feelings going on under the guilt. Also, name those. Say to yourself, "I hate to admit it, but I'm angry that dad's illness has changed all of our lives." When you say it out loud, you will see it in a different way. You will also be reminded of how lucky you are to have the means to care for a loved one."
Have kindness for yourself:/b> Cloudy feelings come and go, just like cloudy days. No one way is the right way for a caregiver to feel. When you let yourself feel whatever you want and realise that your feelings don't control what you do, you'll feel less guilty.
Find the cause of the wrongdoing:
What does this "Ideal You" have that the real you doesn't? Do you still need something? Do you need to change what you do so that it fits with what you believe?
Do something:/b> Meet your needs. Needs are neither good nor bad; they are just. Find someone to watch over your loved one if you need some time alone.
Change the way you act to match what you believe. For example, Clara felt bad that she didn't send a card to her friend when she was in the hospital. She felt bad about not sending a note, so she went out and bought some pretty blank cards to make it easier for her to do so next time.
Ask for help: Call a friend and tell them, "I'm having a tough time. Can you just listen for a few minutes?" Have a family meeting and say, "Since Grandma got sick, our lives have changed a lot. I'm going out with her more. Let's figure out how to do everything together."
"Ideal You" should be looked at again and changed: You did the best you could with what you had and what you knew at the time. As you think about the future, you can get a clearer picture of the "Ideal You." What do you want to leave behind? What values do you hold dear? Then, when you wake up in the morning and get dressed, think about how the "Ideal You" would dress. Let this new "Ideal You" help you make the choices in each moment that will shape your legacy.
Know that you will be a better caregiver if you take care of yourself first. People who care about them don't want or expect selfless helpers. As a caregiver, taking care of yourself makes you a better and more helpful caregiver. Yes, guilt is a part of being a caregiver, but this guilt can help you become the caregiver you and your loved one want you to be.
